Meanwhile he couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t his fault. It would never be. And with more excuses in mind, he easily ignored the truth and didn’t recognize prejudice. He totally assimilated the warped attitudes and ideas around him. Then a sick and insane moron lacking the intelligence of a piss ant falsely slandered him!
Niki heard a trolley rumble down the street. Shortly thereafter he heard his mother quietly enter the flat. She unbuttoned her heavy coat, not expecting at that hour to be greeted by anyone. For the most part she was happy about being able to come and go at will.
Pauline considered her affairs her business. By nature she was correct and distant towards almost everyone. Therefore, she didn’t make her family a priority, but no malice was ever intended. Her interests were simply focused elsewhere.
Too frequently she gave the impression that her children didn’t matter to her. With widespread poverty and so many people without food and shelter, she didn’t need an excuse for working all the time. But with each sacrifice, her family suffered. Her indifference came from her inability to split herself. She could only respond in two ways: giving herself to others and romantic love. She also felt guilty over her behavior during the war.
Without resolution, she accepted the cross she bore. Only occasionally she was caught off guard by an unimaginable thing. Occasionally something happened that forced her to be a mother. Those times unfortunately were often filled with coldness.
One of the most perplexing dilemmas Fritz and Pauline ever faced was how to explain to their sons why they renounced Judaism and became Christians. Their decision involved accepting many contradictions. The implications were equally complex. From an early age Fritz ran into open hostility because of religion and race. Therefore, he tried to discard his Jewish identity until he succeeded. What were the circumstances that led to his and his wife’s conversion to Christianity, a designation that would become more and more important as anti-Semitism in Vienna grew? In other words, his going over to Rome took a great deal of foresight and initiative. And his use of patriotic and political slogans didn’t hurt.
As a bureaucrat, Fritz received a great deal of praise. Whenever necessary, he adjusted and showed a capacity for initiative. But not unlike others in his position, he would be reduced to a title as inscribed upon a white-enamel shield screwed fast to his office door: a title (along with being a Christian) that couldn’t be over-valued.
For Pauline, however, it was much more difficult, because she found little joy in her adopted faith. How else could her sadness be interpreted? She never really wanted to accept Jesus, while she often went to church in search of comfort. What a strange world they lived in. They were two people who openly professed the Christian faith while rarely calling Christ by name.
As baptized Jews, they lived with a great deal of apprehension. While on the other hand, as model citizens, they had all of the advantages in the world. They had to be the right kind of people, or act as they imagined those people would.
As Pauline sat down, a child’s whimper caught her attention. Without hesitation, she opened the bedroom door, where she found a distraught Niki, untypically awake. Nothing then separated them as both of them panicked. Part of the time he spoke so softly that he couldn’t be heard; part of the time he yelled with pain; all of his words were incoherent, and through it all his brother slept.
Finally Pauline understood him to say something about being teased. By then racial slurs weren’t uncommon; and worse still (and hopefully that was all) his record would show that he beat up a classmate.
Then the focus of his rage shifted. He changed, as his mother held him. They both complained of injustice. “Oh, my God, you must always deny it. You don’t have the features. Your outlook must always be Christian. My God, my God, why can’t they leave us alone? Look in the mirror! You’re so young, and so Aryan. Were you circumcised? You were baptized! What more could be expected? What choice do we have? How sad! These times make us all cruel. It breaks my heart to see it. Yet you’re so innocent.”
Then, after listening to his mother, Nikki, cried out, “Heil Austria! I say, Heil Osterreich! (Every morning now students greeted their teachers with a resounding ‘Heil Austria.’) Ju-da verr-rrecke! Ju-da verr-rrecke! (‘Per-rish Judah!’)” But was he not saying “I want to be a child again, and I want to be protected from a world I don’t understand?”
Jew! Now hit him…. Harder, harder, harder! Rub his face in the dirt. Then kick him, my God!
Niki absolutely refused to believe that he was born a Jew. Gone over to Rome, where else could he find salvation?
Oh God, his face was a bloody mess. Well may the other boy be equally bloody. He saw his brother run home to tell their father, but Niki stayed behind and defended their name.
“Ju-da verr-rrecke!”
He was denounced, threatened, and reviled.
In his own way Niki tried to explain until his mother began to tremble. She was herself in such a state that she couldn’t help her son. All she could think about was her own close call. Because of that she shut her son out. It wasn’t how much Niki did or didn’t know, or that he shrieked and cursed. His mother just didn’t want to hear it. It seemed remarkable that their reaction to their experiences was similar. The ravings of her son validated her cause for concern.
Early the next morning Pauline searched for Lippert and by noon had covered most of his known haunts. As she ran around town, she grew more and more desperate. From what he had said, she knew that Lippert had a good job, but she didn’t know where he lived or worked. She correctly judged that he had connections in many important circles.
Weeks went by and still no Lippert. Her life wasn’t totally in shambles, yet she found herself constantly looking over her shoulder. The uncertainty and the fear kept her on edge. Fear driven, she simply went through the motions of living. Her routine hadn’t changed, but she wouldn’t have known it.
Randy Ford
