The clock said seven, and they’d been talking and drinking since six. Higgs ordered one more for each of them before they left the El Sombrero together. The excuse that he gave he had given innumerable times but no beer ever seemed more important to him than that one. It seemed only yesterday and just as vivid, and nothing had been more humiliating. Yet he couldn’t for the life of him give a good reason why he’d became cozy with his tormentors.
Sometimes in the cafeteria; sometimes during study hall, they’d tease. The boys couldn’t keep from laughing at him, and he felt inferior.
By this time Maggie, with her sparkling eyes and long hair (the first time he noticed her she was wearing a red dress with spaghetti straps), had started flirting, hoping Lenny would notice her. By this time Cesar, his domination over Antonio completed, started plotting about what he’d do to Lenny.
Then came the day in the busy school parking lot when Cesar offered Lenny his car by saying, “Go ahead. Ask her out…here are my keys…get a little for me.” Cesar obviously got a big kick out of that.
Cesar’s Chevy convertible came with sunglasses and suntan lotion. By then word had spread throughout the school that good girls didn’t ride in Cesar’s car. For it was true that Cesar’s car had gained that kind of notoriety, and Cesar loved ruining reputations. He loved scandal, and even then used scandal to gain power, but more than that he loved to make people squirm.
Lenny was in love with Maggie, even then, and she with him, but still she wouldn’t put out. They’d drive down to the golf course on the Santa Cruz, dry as ever and outside of town. They’d park there and at night pet. And for while their whole future depended on what went on there, and the prospects elated them.
Still Maggie wouldn’t put out. No matter how much he pressured her, she simply wouldn’t. And that meant to Lenny (and his friends) that she didn’t love him enough. And Cesar would say something dumb such as, “I think there’s something wrong with her.”
“Like what?”
How many times did they have this conversation …with lowered, contemptuous voices, led by Cesar…and with Lenny secretly seething inside and often wondering what was wrong with him because of Maggie and…? What was wrong? No joking. And the laughing. And Lenny seething inside.
“Oh Lenny! Lenny, honey…is s-something wr-wrong? Tell me!” Maggie would plead, while shielding herself with her arms tightly folded across her chest. “I’m afraid…kept thinking that you wouldn’t like me for who I am. But I didn’t want to be left out but…but… I said I was afraid you wouldn’t care.”
“I care alright,” said Higgs, silently cursing.
“Knowing you care is important to me. If you didn’t care I don’t know what I’d do.”
And she trusted that he wouldn’t talk to his friends about her and their petting, and said once again, “I was afraid that you wouldn’t like me when I wouldn’t, and I didn’t want to be the only one so I gave in a little, but I see how unhappy that made you, and of course I’d been warned by my parents, daddy mostly, and…and how about a piece of gum?”
“Gum?”
“Yeah, Juicy Fruit.”
“Yeah.”
And all the while Jessica and Lydia thought there was nothing wrong with putting out. All the while kids had free access to automobiles, and smooching meant nothing to some girls, some girls put out and some girls didn’t. Some humped; some didn’t. And some girls were plain embarrassed by it: that was how different girls were. What the hell! That was Lydia’s attitude. One night, Lydia; and the next, Jessica.
Now, when he said to Lenny, “Call her up and take her out…here are my keys…get some for me,” Cesar felt high. He’d tempt Lenny in a way that he hadn’t been tempted before. If Maggie wouldn’t put out Lydia would. “Oh, go on, Lenny. Maggie won’t find out, and what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
For three weeks Lenny got himself plenty and hated himself for it. First Lydia; then Jessica. “Do you remember Lydia?”
“No!”
“What a heel I was?”
That was when he nearly told Maggie about Lydia. Besides she knew. By this time Lenny and Maggie, whom everyone had seen cruising around in Cesar’s convertible, would’ve been an item, and how in world would Maggie not have known?
Lydia was especially good-looking, but he didn’t fall for her. They had Cesar’s car and a choice spot at the golf course, and with the blues on. People with horses lived nearby, and he hated the flies and the smell of the horses. (That was a smell Higgs always associated with Cesar’s Palace; goddamn it, not just the smell but also those pesky flies.) He hated Cesar, and Cesar hated him.
And plenty more things happened that made him hate himself: fucking Lydia when he had doubts about wanting to, fucking her over and over and feeling depraved and disgusted with himself immediately afterward. He then learned that she couldn’t keep it secret. He somehow knew Lydia would tell and that her friends would talk, as well as everybody, ha, ha, or kid him about his peter, ha, ha, ha. He didn’t enjoy it. And the second time…and… Poor Maggie. God dammit! Ha, ha, shut up! It didn’t hurt or frighten her. It was obvious to Lenny that Lydia had been there before. And Jessica too. Used and knew enough to keep him from becoming a father. Then it was rumored that he liked boys. Shut up! Goddamn it! (Queer!) Shut the fuck up! He wasn’t even jerking off yet. Only recently learned what jacking off meant…learned the mean way. Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Ha.
“Finished?”
“Yes, I’m sorry.” And Lydia witnessed his debilitating weakness. Later he condemned himself and became even angrier with Cesar.
Forget the idea of him ever having a humdrum life. He had his friend Cesar to think for that.
At that hour Higgs and George, drunk, attacked Cesar for his depravity; and Lydia, in the khaki blue of prison garb, cried softly because her life was over. And what about Jessica? Forget Jessica! Higgs talked about how he had a devil of a time with Lydia and how he became afraid he’d contract v d. He hadn’t had Maggie yet. He’d have to wait until they were married for that. Only a couple of girls up until then. It was rather strange when he thought about it, especially when Maggie told him how much their first kiss meant to her.
Look here take a good look at me and what you see a lonely old man and I don’t care anymore about a thing like my drinking and not because all that gets put it behind me before I can see you again forgive me Maggie
I’m talking about the cruel fate of our knowing that son-of-a bitch going to shoot him going to shoot him through and with my luck I’ll miss you forgive me Maggie
It won’t be long Maggie no it won’t be.
At that hour with glazed eyes that seemed set in a gaze the two men focused on what they’d been through. They were still sitting there, each with his bottle of beer, in a smoky bar and hidden by Saturday’s crowd, and each with more to say…
Randy Ford
Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work! That’s amazing.
Thumbs up, and keep it going!
Thank you, Randy