I don’t know what to write, and I’ve stopped thinking. I’ve written a few words, but I can’t go on. I know that the communication that should’ve happened before now hasn’t happened, and you’ve seen how seeing you and Jennifer together has affected me.
I’m determined to leave town and let you go.
What a terribly impersonal thing a letter is. However, I don’t think I could’ve said goodbye in person, when I was as upset as I was and when you were with Jennifer. It really seems as if I’m abandoning you, when the reverse is true. I’ve cursed you, hoping that you would hear me. I’ve allowed myself to fall plumb down, when truthfully I hadn’t thought about you in over two years. It shoots a hole into the idea that I love you; and that only leaves one thing: possessiveness.
Monday
I must tell you the scary news that I heard the other night. Recently the Dallas police framed a gay man. Busted him for possession. You can imagine what hearing the news did to me; and I haven’t gotten over it yet. It’s made me think long and hard about what the Bible teaches about homosexuals, and whether or not I want to be one. Obviously we have a choice, which you’ve demonstrated; however, I’m not going to be hard on myself. I’m okay now.
Be kind to yourself, dear friend because… As we seek our own happiness in our own way, let me hear from you from time to time. And don’t worry about me: if I’ve learned anything, it’s how to survive. Forever your friend, Tom.
“Bobby, Bobby,” he yelled, “what are you doing? What if a train comes and you’re out there? You’ll get yourself killed. If you won’t think yourself, think of me.”
“Scared? Scared for me,“ Bobby declared as he balanced on a rail. “There ain’t no train coming. What do I have to lose, anyway. Leastways, it’d be a way to get to heaven, but it ain’t an option since I ain’t gunna fall.” Then after he’s gone out a little farther and past the NO TRESPASSING warning sign: “if I can keep my balance with a bum leg, there’s nothing that’s gunna stop me. And I’ll be remembered because…. But, hell!” he said, as he turned around, “what’s the use. I’m too chicken.”
As Bobby jumped back to safety and in so doing fell on his hands and skinned his knees, Tom saw how angry his friend was, and had seen him as his strength and courage melted away. That was the first and only time Tom saw it and why after that Bobby put up a brave front. But, seeing the look on Bobby’s face as his anger turned into defiance, Tom gently shoved his friend in the back and walked on before facing him::
“You looked good out there. It was me who was scared. And there was no need for me to have been scared for you. I’m usually scared enough for myself. Hell, you’re good enough to be in my circus, and I’d be lucky to have you. You can walk the high wire, and that’s more than all of those clowns can do. If no train came, I think maybe you could’ve made it clear across the river…if you didn’t let me stop you. I was the one who was chicken…that’s me and how I’ve always been. And I’ve got my circus all set up in rafters of our garage…and we’ll make some money too! With you on the high wire and me on the trapeze. So we’ll clear a few dollars, you wait and see. Then we’ll be all set.”
“And you think I can do it?”
“Of course. Of course. Feel better?”
“No.”
“More confident? I mean, why couldn’t you Bobby…if you set mind to it? What’s the matter?”
“I don’t think anyone would show up.”
“You mean you’re afraid.”
“Afraid? Let’s face the facts: we ain’t good enough. We can’t hit. We can’t catch. We can’t run fast enough. We’re always the last ones chosen for a team. But I say to hell with them!” He laughed. “But boy, by the time we’re through we’ll show them…you on the high wire and me on the trapeze. We’ll practice and we’ll practice until we can do it, or we’ll kill ourselves trying. Boy, oh boy.” Again he laughed. “Tom,” he said quietly, “remember when you ran for class president?”
“Yeah.”
“I voted for you,” Bobby said.
“And you threw my vote away.”
“But you went down fighting. I always thought you should’ve won. I got as many people as I could to vote for you. Well, you were good until the election. Until then I thought you had a shot. But now…boy!” He shook his head. “It’s back to the same ol’ thing. It feels like it. It hurts like it. You know it hurts, Tom. You know we’re gunna get teased. Laughed at. Made fun of. When we go back to school. And we’re talking about the boys on the football team, those who have lettered most of all, those who get the prettiest girls….”
“Those who get the prettiest girl,.” Tom repeated.
“What?”
“Seriously. It’s a relief. That we’re interest in girls.”
“Seriously, I’ve got to stop feeling sorry for myself.”
“So we take it on the chin and not do anything about it, and when we get up…it hurts like hell.”
“You get up and act tough.”
“I’m beginning to get it.”
“Come out boxing, and they’ll leave you alone. Jim Stark comes to town and stands up to his enemies, and when people try to tell me it’s just a movie I tell them that they’re full of fudge! It ain’t James Dean or Sal Mineo anymore. It’s you and me, Tom. Well, I say they’re full of …fudge. No, full of shit! And they can go to hell. And lemme tell you, it works. They’ll back off.” Then Bobby was silent for a moment. “But unfortunately they keep trying. If I could smack them around and get away with it, I’d feel a whole lot better. So maybe I’ll live another year if I’m lucky. So if I don’t play their game, maybe they’ll eventually leave me…us alone.” He laughed. “So I won’t give up.”
“Or until you don’t mind it so much.”
By then the two boys had jumped down into the riverbed. They sat there in the sand looking up at the trestle. Then Bobby laughed.
“Boy, there’s a train now, so I wouldn’t have made it. And that was close because I was so determined. Why, hell yes! I could’ve made it almost all the way across the river, but then again. Say! Let’s count the cars…it seems like a very long train.”
Randy Ford
