As if he could Tom tried to control his urges. He was again headed to the park before he stopped himself, and all the women he saw seemed eligible, down to the plainest. It wouldn’t have mattered to him, as he looked for a hugging and loving bedmate. Each eligible woman had something about her that was desirable- that is to say he was horny enough to overlook any deficiency that he might’ve attributed to them. At the same time he still found men attractive, while a desire for both sexes seemed incomprehensible to him. This mystery bothered him and seemed abnormal and strange, and made him feel different. He felt like an oddball when it came to sex, always sex, and suffered alone with his desires, and if he was a distinct sex fiend, how could anyone possibly love him? But every healthy and clean man, however, no matter how unattractive he might’ve been, was for Tom a prospect worth considering: the only thing that restrained him was the stigma that he associated with what otherwise would’ve been pleasurable. If he let himself go…if he stopped thinking that it was vile and accepted it, then maybe there would’ve been an appropriate reward. And after each and every shower he took, Tom admired himself in the mirror.
Now he was as strong as a horse and as fit as anyone. So if someone were to approach him, he would’ve been quite a catch. But the stakes were too high. Tom already had his hand spanked and under Texas law was charged with a Class C misdemeanor. Besides this there was the business of disease, real and imagined. Thus Tom found it impossible to seek sex in a public place, and it was more than his scruples that got in his way.
January 15, 1967
Grant Street Hovel
Dear Elaine,
“Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”- ha, ha! I’ve just come from a concert of the Piano Man and without you I never felt in sync. It had nothing to do with Neil Sedaka or “Stupid Cupid,” an old song, among his best; and I wish you had come along. We would’ve taken a taxi because of the snow and because I know that you’re not into walking in this weather. What’s more I know you love Neil Sedaka. And how do I know? Well, I’m your next door neighbor, aren’t I? You know that I’ve been thinking a great deal about you; especially when I come home in the evening and I know you’re around. Elaine, you’re very special to me, and it’s hard to be so close to you and yet so far away. And it’s hard for me to stay away. But I’m strong, and as happy as I can be. Good night, Elaine.
“Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” was an up-tempo song recorded by Neil Sedaka in 1962, so it wasn’t a new song when Tom heard it in concert.
So much for Tom’s self-esteem! But what would life be without setbacks? So Tom became his own worse enemy. He couldn’t stop kicking himself. Once he got down on himself it was a struggle for him. Moreover he neglected his appearance, and let his hair grow until it reached his shoulders. And one would think that he’d get tired of going out alone. While it was true that Tom was never satisfied, it was also true that he didn’t do anything to improve his situation. He turned to watching television on a second-hand set he picked up at Goodwill. If it had not been for television, he would’ve spent his days and nights outside of work engaged in a war with himself. As it was he was filled with indifference, for he suffered from depression. Yes, he’d essentially dropped out, and even his co-workers began to worry about him and began to ask: “What’s going on with Tom these days?” And their answer: “I don’t know,” and after a while, they stopped asking him to go drinking with them after work. Clearly they lost interest and expected him to leave soon.
January 16
Elaine, I watched for you today and was glad to see that you got home safely. I work at my desk next to the front window (so I can keep pretty good track of who comes and goes) and just wrote a poem about walking through the fog. I’m very pleased with it. Last night I went to the Paramount and saw ALFIE for the second time. As you remember, Jim, you, and I saw it together and sat in the balcony. The film teaches a good lesson, if you’re looking for one. Oh, Elaine, as I trip over myself and ask what I’ve done wrong I don’t know what is what anymore. But I feel that I need to be honest. Only I know that I have the tendency to take it too far. Well, all you have to do is tell me to give up, and I will, but I think if you did, you’d regret it.
Tom never had but one way of thinking when it came to loving a woman…the way that was depicted in ALFIE…but that satisfied him, and he couldn’t get beyond that. He went to see the film four times and ended up asking himself, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like that? The women are here and everywhere! God created them!” Therefore Tom languished and continued to repeat his mistakes, and he never knew whether Elaine read his letters or not, and while he continued to write her, she continued to keep her distance.
Randy Ford
