January 18, 1968
Wichita
Dear Mom,
I know how you feel about God and how honestly answering your questions would upset you, so at first I wasn’t going to respond. It was unfair of you to ask, though over the years I’ve grown use to your straightforwardness, but I can be equally mean. Some people now say God is dead. You’ll be happy to know that I’m not one of them. I can hear your sigh of relief from here indeed. Your questions have played on my mind quite of bit, which must please you. So I’ve wrestled with it and have concluded that I’m not ready to declare a death sentence quite yet.
I’ve gone out and bought some things for my apartment that might seem very strange to you. I’m now particularly fond of incense and candles and very much into bright colors. I felt like it was time for a change and have also purchased some exotic oils, essential oils if there’s such a thing, chamomile, eucalyptus, and grapefruit…yes, grapefruit. I know that you like Texas Ruby Reds, but I’m not sure what kind of grapefruit we’re talking about here. I’m not going to incriminate myself by saying how I got into exotic oils, but it’s safe to assume that I was influence by a certain woman. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about my having a girlfriend, is there? Her name is Kate.
Yes, I’ve met someone I like. I referred to her in my last letter…about how we’re not contemplating marriage yet. I’m so sorry to hear about of dad’s fall. It must be hard on you. Tell him I’m thinking about him. I send my love. Your affectionate son. Tom
By then Tom was spending most nights with Kate, which may not have been a healthy arrangement. Every once and while she’d spend a night at his tiny apartment, hence the need for the oils.
Tom wrote a detail explanation about why he hadn’t yet refuted God. He would never have signed the document. Many of his ideas, of course, were borrowed from Nietzche, and if his mother had known it, she would’ve felt a little better. In the letter he wrote her about God, he never mentioned Nietzche because he didn’t think she’d know the philosopher. What he didn’t know was that he underestimated her. It was nonsense because she had read about Nietzche in a Christian Magazine. Of course if she’d found an article about Nietzche she would’ve cut it out and sent it to Tom.
Though Tom grew up on television (and went once or twice to Saturday morning kid shows at the Majestic in downtown Dallas), the only other movies his parents took him to as a boy were Biblical epic films such as the King Of Kings, The Robe, and The Ten Commandments. Surprisingly they didn’t let him see Samson and Delilah. King of Kings, starring Rip Torn, was his family’s favorite.
Rip Torn played Judas Iscariot. In high school, Tom saw the movie twice, first with his parents and then with his Sunday school class. Tom recognized Rip’s craggy faced, blown up on the big screen, from a television episode of “The Restless Gun,” in which the star played “a trigger-happy kid who becomes a target of revenge after he kills a man.” “The Restless Gun” theme song begins “I ride with the wind, my eyes on the sun, and my hand on my restless gun.”
Tom now thought about how he dressed. He polished his shoes now, kept them polished everyday. No longer a slouch was he. He wore clean underwear and had his hair trimmed. Every morning he showered, choosing with care the shirt and the pants he’d wear, and before he left for work he planned his evening. It didn’t vary very much. He knew that he’d do something with Kate and knew that most likely she’d drop by the store some time during the afternoon. He looked forward to seeing her, though he’d only left her or she’d left him a few hours before then. She excited him, as did everything about her, while the only problem he saw was that being with her cut into his writing.
For breakfast, he sometimes stopped at the Breakfast Club, but most of the time he ate on the run. And to fortify himself he’d drink coffee several times during the morning. He’d need the jolt, given that he never got enough sleep.
Randy Ford
