Sam saw the situation he found himself in. He knew the potential dangers he faced. He knew that it had become more dangerous for him with the recent conversion from no. 3 to no. 4 grade heroin and as the business became more lucrative. He’d been thoroughly briefed by the CIA and learned that there were fourteen-year old girls and street peddlers selling the stuff to GIs on the streets of Saigon and throughout Vietnam- if only he knew less about it.
All this he remembered during his stay with Dmitri. Sam also felt that he could do something about it, but he hadn’t counted on falling in love. The whole issue now boiled down to whether he could betray Dmitri or not, but it hadn’t occurred to him that Dmitri was struggling over the same dilemma.
Yes, they both were struggling with it. Yes, it was a dilemma for both of them. Yes, because they had fallen in love. It was what made it so difficult. Could Sam, as an American and a CIA operative, remain loyal to his country when he loved Dmitri so much? Was it possible? Could he love Dmitri and remain loyal to his country? Wasn’t the world divided into two camps, two distinct spheres with two adversaries, Communism on one side and Democracy on the other? Could he flirt with one without forsaking the other? Could his intimate relationship with a communist lead to him betraying his country? And would he be any different from any of us who have let ourselves be lured into a den, held captive by love, and in this case have a hankering for sex, and then have to choose between love and sex with a person and love and loyalty to a country?
That was where Dmitri and Sam found themselves, and it was real enough. It seemed to Sam that it was highly unlikely that Dmitri would consider defecting to the United States, but if he did would he escape prosecution? Weren’t deals made all the time? Weren’t there scores of Russians defecting whenever they got the opportunity and the right terms were reached? There was always the lure of freedom, but Dmitri already seemed freer than most Russians.
Dmitri, too, had begun to think about the future, a future with Sam, but hadn’t come up with a plan. Though he knew he loved the American, he still didn’t know if he could trust him and thought that he’d have to test him. The last thing he could afford was to be suckered and discredited in Moscow and to lose everything he’d worked for. Or worse, stopped and even killed by the Americans or something even harder to swallow such as a long prison sentence. There were innumerable dangers, none of them pretty. So Dmitri needed to be cautious, which was something he normally was. But he’d fallen in love with Sam, and it seemed worth the risks. And his love for Sam seemed filled with unlimited possibilities. Enthralled with each other, they had each compromised, and before long they each knew that there was no turning back. But what they didn’t know was where it would take them.
It would take a while for them to make sense of it. In the throes of love and initial lust it would’ve been hard for anyone. It was too new and wonderful. And as Sam found himself exactly where he and his handlers had wanted him to be, they hadn’t anticipated the intensity of Dmitri’s love and how eagerly and swiftly he showed it. He doted over the American, and Sam found it irresistible. It threw him off track; so much so that he didn’t want to get back on it. Once he entered this fabulous and romantic world he couldn’t see breaking off his relationship with the Russian, and couldn’t believe that he hadn’t been better prepared.
But the seduction of Sam took a while. For a while, Sam was doing his job and enjoying it; and maybe he was doing it too well and enjoying it too much. Then before he knew it, he was hooked. Was there, then, no way out? Did he really have to give up so much for love? Give up so much and forever? Forever? Was love worth it? There had to be a compromise. A compromise when exaltation came into play? Exaltation and dreams, and all of the passion that came with dreams? And now that the dream had come true…and longing had been replace…to have it in his possession and then to have it snatched away, nothing could’ve caused him more agony. To have found love in the most unlikely place, to find it when it was inconvenient: inconvenient and unlikely was putting it mildly. It had all of the potential of becoming explosive because they both were dangerously in love…dangerously in love and afraid.
Randy Ford
