It was true that I’d act like an ass. At church. Next Sunday. It happened to be when the opportunity came. First A.J. would have to be caught off guard. Not suspect anything, that is. There would have to be other people around to witness the deed, to see it all come down and talk about it later. And preferably girls our age…something despicable. Of course I knew both of our parents…Rev. Brown of course…would get involved and discuss matters afterwards. I knew I would get in trouble, but it didn’t matter to me as long as I embarrassed A.J..
There was also the congregation of the First Baptist Church, the largest church in town. The congregation…there wasn’t one person in it who didn’t recognize A.J., which meant he had a hard time getting away with anything…wasn’t too large to be a friendly church, with a time set aside for fellowship after each service. So everyone basically knew everyone, and many of the relationships went far deeper than the handshakes and the smiles that one would expect at a friendly church. The social hall at the rear of the church had recently been repainted a bright, cheery purple and hanging on the walls were several Christian banners, giving the hall more life than ever. Fellowship time also gave the congregation time to gossip and talk and would be when they’d all hear about what I did. I certainly didn’t think ahead or think about the repercussions, the buzz I would cause. I simply didn’t think. For my part in it, I’ll take responsibility. I was having fun. I’m not ashamed of myself. I expected A.J. to react. I expected, like someone said, that he’d let the congregation down. The congregation had their own way of responding, of course. For that was how they were, Baptist: at first utterly disappointed in A.J. and me. Then felt relieved that it wasn’t more serious.
If he weren’t the preacher’s kid, it would’ve been totally different. Because he was the preacher’s kid, it surprised people when he got into big trouble.
He was coming out of the men’s restroom just as some girls were coming out of theirs. It was between Sunday school and the 11 o’clock service, a little before it. People were rushing to get there on time. As A.J. came out of the restroom, I was taking my time at the water fountain. The cool water made it worth while. A.J. wasn’t paying attention to me, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. Saw an opportunity! Raised my hand. “Peace, brother!” If I hadn’t had the opportunity, there wouldn’t have been a war.
“A.J.” I yelled. “Your fly, you forgot to zip your fly. It’s unzipped.”
He fugitively looked down, as the girls looked in his direction. In front of Dixie Kee, Judy Hicks and Jean Bridges. Before it was over, I embarrassed him in front of girls we both liked.
There was the fact that we were in church and the fact that he hadn’t merely left his fly unzipped, but also had been utterly careless when he pissed. He hadn’t noticed it at all until he looked down. And standing there when he did was Dixie Kee, Judy Hicks, and Jean Bridges, three of the prettiest girls around. I’d been watching the girls all along: what an opportunity. And now I watched the whole scene unfold in an unperturbed way, and as if I had nothing to do with it. I watched as A.J,’s face turned a crimsoned red.
You. You’ll pay. You’ll pay for this.
He wouldn’t have been embarrassed, yes of course, if there hadn’t been girls around, even if other people were rushing to the 11 o’clock service (there was the evidence on his trousers that he could’ve hid if I hadn’t yelled “your fly is unzipped”), there in the crowded halls between the sanctuary and the social hall. “Come, come, come.” He would approach me slowly; I would step aside. He now stood in front of the water fountain.
But I had more in store for him, something more sinister, another opportunity once A.J. stepped in front of the water fountain.
I knew what I was doing as I turned the fountain on full force and deflected some of the water onto his crotch, which drenched his trousers. “Look,” I yelled. “Look, look, look!” That was when I ran, and he chased after me.
Randy Ford
