Behind this degradation, Sam also felt a strong sense of disappointment and loss, while knowing that confiding in Dmitri was from the beginning a risky proposition. He had however proceeded impetuously once he knew that they were alone.
“Dmitri! What am I to do? I never thought that I’d enjoy myself as much as I have this past week. Never before have I let myself forget myself to such an extent, and now I realize that I have to face the consequences.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You never would.”
“Try me.”
“It doesn’t make sense that you’d let me in here. You weren’t as cautious as you ought to have been; your guard should’ve been up; it was much easier than we…I expected. But I never expected to fall in love with you. I never expected my life to be complicated in that way. It wasn’t something that I anticipated, anymore than I’d expect to find a Russian here doing what you do.”
“So speaks Sam Ives. And who is Mr. Ives? As much as I’d like to think that he is simply Sam…a confidant, a friend, a lover. And when I look at you I can’t help but think that something isn’t quite right. You’re right. You shouldn’t be here. I know it, and suddenly I feel anguish and pain because I know it’s too good to be true. I too wonder how it could’ve happened, happened so quickly, and how I would’ve been so stupid as to have allowed an American to come into my compound without first making sure…”
“Stop. Believe me…incredible, as it may seem…when I tell you that this past week has been the most incredible week I’ve spent in my life and I spent it with you, and I never anticipated it. There is something though, like you said, that isn’t quite right. Something that’s foul…foul… But Dmitri believe me I wouldn’t be able go into it if I didn’t love you.”
“But I knew from the start that you wouldn’t have walked in here on your own…the way we met and how incredible that was…I knew it was too good to be true. You didn’t know me and I didn’t know…how we happened to meet in a French restaurant in Vientiane, and given it was Vientiane, and you were an American in Vientiane that there was a strong possibility that you worked out of the American Embassy and for the CIA. And you knew who I was. How did you know who I was? And now we’re faced with a dilemma. But the question remains…why? Why? Why? Why?”
“And if you knew from the beginning, why? Why?”
“Why? You’re cute. And I thought I could get away with it. And as Sam Ives, you offered me something that I had to have, and I thought, too, I could woo you, and I did it. And I wouldn’t have let you leave here without being certain that I knew what was up. You offered me a challenge, and besides you’re cute.”
“But I know that there has to be more to it than…”
“…than you’re cute. You’re also gullible and a fool. Need I say more?”
“No. When we started this conversation, I thought…I don’t know what I thought, but now I’m no longer sure of anything except for one thing, and that is I love you. Dmitri, I would give my life for you. Though I’m troubled by your reaction, I don’t have any regrets for coming forward like this because of what I know.”
“And what is it that you think you know?”
“I know what I know. If I could only not feel like a traitor! Maybe I was never cut out to be…ah, yes, you had me pegged from the beginning, and now it’s come down to a struggle between integrity and frailty. If only I could convince myself that I didn’t really love you or if only I could’ve remained detached! But that’s not the way it is. It wasn’t a very well thought out enterprise, and when I presented it to my superiors they shouldn’t have bought into it. You say I’m cute. I say you’re gorgeous. I am so frail.
Randy Ford
